the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
