the condom got lost in my hair
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
