Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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