Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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