maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
