omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
