I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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