my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
