R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
