You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
