when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
