dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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