I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
