Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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