she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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