u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
