She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
