Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
