things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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