i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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