They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
