I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It's just like the Real World with babies
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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