If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
