Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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