Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
