well I can't set my house on fire every night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
