Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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