If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
