I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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