i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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