So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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