I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
