My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
