It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
