I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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