I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
