What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I love you.
Bad choice
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
