Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
