I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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