you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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