i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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