If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
