Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
