So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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