I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
