you're like a bully in the Christmas story
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
