i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
