I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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