Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
