Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
