A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It's just like the Real World with babies
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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