mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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