he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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